The Wall Around My Heart

"smirk" ...
I know all about the wall.. I also know when someone manages to rattle the mortar loose it is because they have made your heart do flips and loosened it. People spend way to much time looking for the special person they think they should spend forever with. I think Love finds you... not the other way around.... and I also believe that nobody has 1 person to stay with for life. Only for seasons, then... when the reason for them to be there has passed, then so will they, they will pass through your life, after having been there for a purpose.

However I do not want to give anyone, including him.. the impression it is a relationship.. that being said, it did get a little tricky since it began in Sept.
Because it is tricky to sleep in the same bed with someone and hold them or let them hold you several times... and then the intimacy line has been crossed where passion is left behind.

We are all hard to love at times, and it is hard for us to believe that anyone would love us unconditionally. Since nobody ever did.

We are a rare kind. You (in the general meaning) are either in our world or not... and when you are you love it and when you are not, you miss us. I am sure everyone can feel that. It is just an enormous personality.... and heart.

Perks of Singlehood

Gentle yet constant whirring of the fan, country music plays in the background. Nobody else is in the house at the moment. 
Laptop, cell phone, radio within reach.  Bowl of hot soup, saltine crackers, cafe au lait on bedside table.  5 pillows behind me.  This is the joys of Singlehood. 
I do not HAVE to get up and do anything with obligation as a driving force.  What a nice feeling.

Friends, Lover or NOTHING! I choose!

I totally understand (I think). I have had to cut off friendships because they wanted more and didn't understand I am not willing to put anyone thru trying to be happy with me, when I am still such a work in progress. Friends, Lovers or nothing..... and it isn't always their choice.. however if the choice becomes lovers, that is it...no items left at my house, or reasons to come back... TRUST NOBODY!....with my heart...
I have recently had a guy pass my house at 3 am and then text me mad cuz I had friends over and had not invited him, and this was someone I had never kissed... he just always wanted more...He has been put in his place and now knows if he wants to be in my world at all it will be as friends only.
Another guy (I work at a bar), stays til closing thinking he will go home with me just cuz it happened a few times...
Some people get the concept of "I am single and not looking for more!" But most people think they can be THE one to change my mind. SERIOUSLY? They should listen to me, it would save them time if they looking for MS right. I am only Ms. Right now.,

don't say it

Sometimes the hardest thing to say is nothing at all.  It is very hard to get out of the habit of talking, texting, emailing, someone.  I mean really, it was daily contact then, BAM... nothing.  It is real easy for me to speak the truth.  I can tell jokes and make people laugh.  Why is it so hard for me to say nothing?  I grab my phone and start to type.. then remember I shouldn't.  So I save it as a draft. Meanwhile, I wonder if I will ever just send them all anyways.
I have this filter on my thoughts, before they come out of my mouth.  It used to be very thick, then I had one that was a little thinner.. now it is almost nonexistant.  I am thinking for this say nothing thing.. I may need to break my fingers.....so I can't type or text.

Newness is addictive

I am a child of the seventies.  I thought I had it rough, compared to kids today but let me tell you one thing.  These kids and some of us adults are addicted to the newness.  The newness of everything. From clothes, to furniture, to houses, to cars, to bars, to sports, and yes to each other.  Why must we be allowed by some force that surely isn't nice... to feel the most wonderful feeling in the world.  Then to spend forever trying to find it again.  Whether it is a friend or buddy or lover...sometimes people just click. For the most part thought, we are addicted to the newness of a relationship and what people will do for us and what we can do for them and the things we like to do together.  We will try almost anything because that person is new.  Whereas the person you were last involved with you would not try new things, like a raw oyster.  But today you will easily eat a dozen.  Go figure that one out and let me know what you think.