Solitare Christmas

Christmas 2010 will be one I will remember forever.  Will it be because of that someone special I share it with?  Nah, it will not.  It will be because I go to sleep alone on Christmas Eve. night and wake up alone on Christmas morning.  I have no children waking up in my home... I have no gifts under the tree.  This transitional phase of my life will surely be one to scar me for life and make a great "One Time" story.
The thing is.. there are several of my friends who will be doing the same thing.. being alone, for whatever reason...mainly divorce.  Perhaps we should all grab our pillows and blankets and adult beverages and choose one house in which to crash for the night.  Wouldn't that be better than being alone?  But then again, what would we do?? Sit around and rag on the very people , the ex's, who have our children and have made us be alone in the first place?  Not my idea of a good time.  Been there done that, without it being Christmas morning of course.
I think instead what I will do is enjoy a cup of coffee with Baileys in front of the twinkling tree, perhaps shed a tear or two (or more).. and reflect on my life....and Christmas's past.  I will then go to bed, setting my alarm for around 8.  I will get up and have a cup of red tea in front of the fireplace and open one gift which I will have wrapped for myself and put under the tree.  I will give our dog her bone, and wait til the kids come home from their dads house.
Then again I may just go get drunk, come home and crash on the couch with my clothes on...and sleep until the kids get here on Christmas day.
The really cool thing is something I almost overlooked.....whatever I decide to do, I can do.  It is just me to make the choice, not having any effect on anyone else.  That is a wonderful gift in itself.

Dirty deeds

There was a day that I thought I would be fine "thinking like a man".   There was a day when I thought I could just "hit it and quit it", without getting emotionally attached.  Now I am not so sure.  Don't get me wrong there was a few times in my life that was true and certainly possible.  Now it is a different story, maybe.  

Us ladies are just wired differently.  Our evolutionary background suggests that the deck is stacked against us. When girl meets boy (and girl likes boy), the brain releases a chemical love cocktail: Dopamine produces feelings of bliss, norepinephrine makes the heart race, and we are driven to want sex. Then, during sex, the brain triggers the release of oxytocin — the warm fuzzy of the hormone world — which leaves us wanting to bond with the person we've just done the horizontal mambo with.   That being said....it appears to be a very scientific reason females want more after the dirty deed is done.  

My heart is in New York.  My body is here.  While I thought I had the answers to how to make this work, I must admit, I have no freaking clue.  I only know that I do want it to work.  I do believe we will be together again, hopefully sooner than later.

For now, it isn't worth the risk of that need for emotional attachment after casual sex.  I will not take a chance on lessening this wonderful feeling I have inside my heart... all to satisfy physical urges.

For now, I guess I should stay stocked up on batteries.....and fly solo.

saved to drafts...oooops sent by mistake

Lying in bed, giddy with excitement because I finally have another form of communicating with him.  I usually text him and put it in my draft folder until I get the SAFE WORD sent to me.  I then send him all the saved drafts for him to enjoy my thoughts.  So, last night I did the same thing..almost.  I hit send instead of save to drafts.  CRAP!!  He is not going to like this.  What if his wife finds it?  What if they were in a dead sleep and the vibration on his phone on the nightstand wakes them both. Will they wake up, then argue or she will cry knowing he is talking to me again...or still.  I am very unhappy with myself for texting way to fast and hitting send.  I know he will not be happy either.  We have talked about being careful.  He is trusting me with his email address, well not really just IM on yahoo.  However, that is still something and it makes me happy to have another line of communication open.  I just hope after my stupidity last night it is still an option.  I really miss him and want to text, chat and talk with him again soon.  I really hope I did not sabotage things.

Drugs make you stupid (er)

A local school has had it's share of the limelight this year.... 1st because of 4 students being killed in a vehicle accident.  2nd due to 4 cheerleaders being drunk while cheering at the Homecoming game and getting suspended from school and kicked off the squad the rest of their high school years.  3rd and most recent....sophomores bringing pot and bongs to school and being expelled.   Sounds like a reality show... well it is REAL alright!
My daughter joked...they already have 4 drunk cheerleaders, 4 dead kids, and sophomores that are stoned.   Exclude the deaths and that doesn't sound unlike my high school years......seriously.
I can understand the first guy who had marijuana found in his backpack when a cell phone went off and nobody fessed up to it... all backpacks in the class was searched..they found his pot.  I have not heard whether the cell phone was found, however I think if this was me, I would be kicking some butt for the student not coming clean about that.  I am guessing he had pot in his bag from the weekend and maybe forgot it there.  Why else bring it inside the school?  I mean REALLY????
He gets called into the office and gives up names of friends hoping to get a lesser penalty.  This would not have happened in my days of school.  We would never rat out a friend.  Little did he know.. after giving names, he still would get expelled.  The following day, his best friend has a BONG in his possession....(again??why at school?).  He also names names when scared of what may happen....DUMB!
Several students are then brought down and made to strip to undershirts and shorts...even removing shoes and socks.. for a pat down.  Then the RANDOM (or not so random, since they have a list to go from now) drug tests begin.  Half of the sophomore student body was SICK that day and didn't go to school.  I wonder if Golden Seal and Niacin and cranberry pills were flying off the shelves around town.  Otherwise.. anyone who smoked pot or did any other drugs for Homecoming weekend.... would fail the test.  Because I have heard it stays in your system for 10 days or so.

I am under the impression that MY CHILD has nothing to worry about.  I am hoping that I am not being naive.  I even told her, had I know all this yesterday we could have made some money selling her urine.  I wonder if that is illegal?  Selling body fluids, that is....I mean we do not know why the people want it.  Is it illegal to sell urine?

This is my thought for the day...and nobody can tell me my thoughts are wrong..they are mine and mine alone.  Not factual.  So there. Enough said!

caring for the cubs

My mother, bless her departed soul, taught me and my sister and half brother survival skills.  We know how to make money even if we don’t have a job.  We know how to get food, even though we have no money.  We can keep our lights and water on without that green paper called cash. 
I am glad that we have not had to do most of those things recently. (not since I was 16 , some 24 yrs back).  If the need arose however, we could do it.  And we would not hesitate to do these things to care for our family.  I am not pleased to say my mother took advantage of many a man to feed and clothe her children.  She was married 9 times and divorced 8.  Of course there were lots of UNCLES in between…if you get my drift.
My wonderful mother also had no problem admitting when she needed a break.  She would make sure we were in capable hands and off she would go on a solitary adventure.
I guess I am really and truly my mothers daughter....I am ready to run away.

test

This is just a test to see if I am doing it correctly.